The Second Annual Archies!

Section 3: The Winners

Archie, the CineVibez HQ Mascot and my dear Friend

The moment you’ve all been waiting for is here … have a seat and get comfortable. It’s time to announce the winners of the second annual Archies! You may have noticed the drawing of a personified St. Louis Arch above this paragraph. That’s Archie! Like most newsletters, I realized CineVibez needed a mascot to cheer on the ever-changing world of movie vibes.

And of course, you can’t have a proper mascot without a foil. Meet Archie’s arch nemesis, Woofy - the anti-arch ranger dog:

Woofy - one mean sonofabitch

I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of Archie and Woofy in the future - those rascals. Anywho, let’s get on with it. Here are the winners of the 2023 Archie Awards:

Best Voice/Dialect in a Movie: Julianne Moore in May December

• This was a no-brainer. I’ll probably have hot dogs for lunch.

Best Action Sequence: The Rue Foyatier Sequence in John Wick 4

• What a wonderful scene. The filmmakers made full use of Keanu’s lanky body by throwing him down a flight of stairs again and again. This homage to Buster Keaton blew away the competition.

Best Score as a Character: Marcelos Zarvos for May December

• This was really just between May December and Maestro. The piano notes following the revelation about the quantity of hot dogs left for the party clinched it for Zarvos.

Best Meta Performance: Natalie Portman in May December

• If her peers won’t recognize Natalie Portman’s greatest achievement, then the Archies will. Natalie plays an actress learning to play a character played by an actress who is basing the character on a real person.

Best Performing Genre: R-Rated Comedy

• Look, R-Rated comedies didn’t do well at the box office, but I saw some well-crafted comedies that were slightly elevated above the norm. Most specifically, I’m talking about No Hard Feelings. I thought it did for R-Rated Comedies what Ari Aster did for horror. Unfortunately, most people can’t get past “J-Law naked” to see the quality of this film.

Best Original Concept: The Zone of Interest.

• The Zone of Interest was a huge risk. It’s a film about reactions (or lack thereof) to something that is happening offscreen. It’s an interesting idea that works exceptionally well here. The result is gut-wrenching and rage-inducing, but that simply means the film did its job.

Best Marketing: Saltburn Bathtub Cup from Alamo Drafthouse

• I ordered a White Russian in my cup.

Best Off-Screen Performance: The Colonel from Priscilla

• This award should go to Tom Hanks for having the decency to reprise one of his worst performances off-screen only.

Best Low-Budget Film (under 25 million): Godzilla Minus One

• The film is a masterpiece. Do we even need to make another blockbuster creature feature?

Best Animal: Snoop in Anatomy of a Fall

• Has your dog ever realistically faked Benadryl poisoning? Honorable mention goes to Snoopy in Maestro.

Best Practical Effects: Oppenheimer

• Oppenheimer isn’t your typical practical effects movie, nor is it your typical Christopher Nolan movie. However, nobody else recreated a nuclear explosion without CGI.

Best Atmosphere Vibez: May December

• I laughed, I cried, I felt anger, disgust, sadness, melancholy - you name it. May December is a rollercoaster of emotions. Despite the mixed bag of feelings, it carried a distinct tone and vibe throughout the film.

Congratulations to the winners! I’m seeing Dune: Part II tonight at Alamo Drafthouse. I’ll report back on the piri piri sauce.